I have officially been "Godsmacked"!

My ears are still ringing!

Rock concerts are supposed to be loud, right, but I was 4ft. away from the stage! When Sully came over to the left, I was close enough to see the sweat dripping from his face and to note that his eyes are a pale green color! Also, he is tiny! He can't be any taller than me (5'6") but what a huge voice.

All in all, a great concert.

Found a new band to follow in one of the opening bands, ShineDown. I don't know the singer's name, but what a voice!

Rob Zombie was next. He's really skinny. I like some of his music but the lead guitarist needs to have a little more respect for the fans. In today's day and age, it is NOT appropriate to spit on people, even if you are a Rock Star!

Godsmack closed, and was definitely worth the wait. I wish they could have played longer but they are human and have human limitations just like the rest of us. An hour and a half just seems so short. There was so much material that they didn't have time to play. When they return to this area in years to come (or near wherever we may be), we will go again, and next time take the kids with us.

Steve was even impressed and he's very jaded when it comes to concerts if it's anyone other than Judas Priest.

Now if we could just get Priest and Godsmack to tour together. The perfect concert!


Update Nov. 28

I was right! I was killing time on the internet and decided to look at some biography info on Sully Erna. He is 5 feet, 6 inches tall! His nickname is "Shortstop" Hahahahahaha!

Self Reflection

I have been meaning to write this post since Friday afternoon. I have thought about how I would begin and how I would phrase certain things, so here goes.

It has occurred to me that I have spent much of my life trying to "prove myself" to those around me. My best guess as to why that is dates back to childhood. My father was a tyrant in our home, what some professionals term a "rage-aholic". He dealt with everything through anger and violent temper. One of the things he was very consistent about was in telling my siblings and I just how "useless" we were, that we could do nothing right and "Damn us to Hell, anyway!" (favorite phrase there). I don't think there was ever a day when I was in my father's presence that I didn't have something along those lines said to me.

My father died when I was 14, the day before his 50th birthday. At a time when my mother could have tried to heal the damage he had caused, she instead, took the opportunity to ignore the 2 children still living at home. My oldest brother, Sandi, is mentally handicapped. He is fairly intelligent, but has some physical deficit's and extreme Obsessive/compulsive disorder. He doesn't handle any change well at all (imagine Monk from the show, without the intellect). My mother embarked on a 3 years of affairs with several married men. Understand, we lived in a town of 1500 people, word gets around. I was just expected to "do whatever was necessary" which included taking charge of my brother, a task I was ill prepared to do and resentful of. We had family in the area. I don't know if they were fully aware of the situation in our house or if they cared. I was left to fend for myself, so I did.

What strength I had that allowed me to live through those years and not end up a drug addict, drunk, prostitute or worse, I do not understand. Somehow, I got through, not gracefully, but I survived, and went to college and made a different life for myself.

But the scaring on my soul remains. The all encompassing self doubt that whispers in the back of my mind. Nothing is ever, ever good enough. I can find fault in any situation and mostly with myself. Am I worthy, am I useful. AM I GOOD ENOUGH!

Because of this tendency, I am very easily trapped into certain situations. I always want to try to "fix" things for people. I want to be the "go to person". Perhaps it makes me worthy somehow in my mind. I am easily used by certain types of people, but I do have my limits. I'm not blind, and when it becomes apparent that I have been played for a fool, I am vicious. I beat myself up for letting it happen. I repeatedly ask myself, "Why, oh, why did I let myself be a victim again?" Then I have to "prove" that I was the one injured, or right, or truthful, to everyone else.

The following is a statement to any who may read.

I regret that I could not walk away, satisfied with the knowledge that I was always truthful, that I had to try to ram it down others throats.

However,

When others are apologizing for certain things, I ask this, why should I apologize when no one has done so to me?

When you call me up and literally beg me to tell you everything, "I need to know, for the sake of our friendship, tell me." I would have gone to my grave with that one bit of information, but you begged me to tell. And I told you exactly word for word what was said to me by both parties and was labeled poisonous for doing so. You should not have asked questions you weren't fully prepared to hear answered. Sometimes the truth is not pretty. I could have accepted that you took the information in mind but decided that you cared about that person enough to help him. I couldn't accept that I was demonized for answering a direct question with absolute frankness. I was left feeling that our friendship wasn't that important after all.

I will not apologize for speaking out for my children. I tried to speak with other parents on the subject and it became very apparent that there was a denial of responsibility going on. My son was good enough to be around as long as I was footing the bill, but he was only a source of ridicule to "the group" otherwise. I resent that a certain adult was not leader enough to step in and speak to the other kids to be more inclusive, more understanding. I could write it off as immaturity until it was pointed out to him and he still chose to do nothing.

I do regret that in my fury I could not just let things lie and that a close friend bore the brunt of the fall-out stemming from my fit of temper. I thank the Creator everyday that she moved on to a better situation and holds no ill will toward me. I'm thankful that she is exceedingly happy with her new life.

In all honesty, I appreciate that some try to reach out to me now, but there is still some acknowledgement of certain things that needs to happen from all parties. I know that my handling of the situation lacked a lot when it came to tack and eloquence. I was still trying to change the world, still trying to "prove myself" to everyone. Because I do believe in personal responsibility, I will acknowledge that as a character fault in myself.

Please don't try to re-establish communication with me unless there truly is going to be an acknowledgement of guilt from ALL parties. Otherwise, just leave me alone. Because of my background, my personal pain tends to equal my personal rage. We've all had enough negativity. Regardless, there is no going back.

I felt I had to write this so that I could acknowledge my part, my faults. In order to find a solution to a problem, you must first acknowledge that you have one.

I have one.

Enough said.






I

My UPS Delivery Guy

Got a delivery this evening. This is unremarkable in and of itself. But the guy who has the route in my neighborhood is remarkable.

Now you're probably thinking he's some hunk with an incredible body and a face like Brad Pitt. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
(Although, I must say the Fed Ex guy from my old neighborhood in Georgia almost fit that bill.)

Let me describe the UPS guy.

I don't know his name. He's a black man and I'd guess he's in his 40's. He's on the tall side, around 6 ft. Thin build, I'd guess about 150-160lbs.

So far nothing remarkable, right? Until you see his smile. He's got to have the greatest, happiest smile of anyone I've ever come into contact with. I'd swear his face is splitting in half everytime I see him. And it's genuine, not feigned. He has that smile on his face from the moment he drives up, until the moment he drives away. He has been delivering to my house for the 3 years I have lived here and everytime I see him he's smiling that smile.

Now, he's human, I'm sure he has bad days, but you'd never know by the look on his face. He really seems to just enjoy life and it's impossible not to smile back when he greets me by name, by name! Something, I'm sure he takes special care to do with each and every delivery. And as he is walking away back to his truck, he always, always wishes me a good day, weekend, whatever, and I think he really means it.

I don't know your name Mr. UPS guy but thanks for bringing a little sunshine to my door.

A note on BioChemisty

Just wanted to clarify something.

Just because I acknowledge that I have been irrational in my reations to certain things lately doesn't mean that I am apologizing for anything and everything.

If I had been more "balanced" biochemically I might have handled certain things in a less explosive manner. But my reactions, be they explosive or not, do not change the truth!

I don't lie and I don't tolerate it in others. And I especially don't like being used. Chances are if I had been in "balance" I would have caught on sooner. Unfortunately, at the time, I so needed to be a part of something and that was used against me. I sold myself too cheaply and then when I wasn't useful anymore, I was shunted aside.

What's done is done. Certain paths in life are one way. Once you walk down them there is no going back and I've known that all along.