Bio-Chemistry
Here's something about me. I'm a control freak.
Most likely this is because of the chaos I was continually immersed in while growing up.
Lately, I have felt that everything in my life was spiraling out of control. There were days when I would find myself curled into fetal position on my bed, crying for hours. The simplest things became overwhelming. The days went by filled with nothingness, I felt almost as if I was asleep, kind of dizzy and detached.
I would wonder to myself, "What happened to the self confident, driven person that I was just 6 months before!?"
Most of the time I hid inside my house, wanting no human contact. If it had been plausible, I would have found a cave, a cabin, a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, just to be alone, unburdened.
Finally, on Monday, I had had enough. I was due for a blood test and I forced myself to get up, make myself presentable (I don't think I had brushed my teeth or my hair in 3 days) and go to the doctor's office. While there, as I was attempting to speak with the nurse, I broke down. Right there, in public. Talk about losing control!
After much discussion with the nurse and then the doctor, we discovered that due to a pharmacy mistake, I have been overdosing myself with synthetic Thyroid hormone. No big deal, right? Wrong! The thing is, all of my hormones are now out of balance. Ladies, you know how it feels when your hormones flucuate, except take that monthly moodiness you have for 1 or 2 days and multiply the feelings by 100. Then imagine you feel (and act) like that everyday.
Oh God! The things I have said, the things I have done. There has been no control in my life, no discipline.
It is a relief to know that there is a definite physical (bio-chemical) reason for the way I feel but it cannot change the past. Right now I still feel pretty bad but at least I know that I will feel better in about 2 to 3 weeks. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am so looking forward to being able to smile again, to being motivated just to be alive again. To enjoy being around people again.
I used to enjoy that, I really did.
Most likely this is because of the chaos I was continually immersed in while growing up.
Lately, I have felt that everything in my life was spiraling out of control. There were days when I would find myself curled into fetal position on my bed, crying for hours. The simplest things became overwhelming. The days went by filled with nothingness, I felt almost as if I was asleep, kind of dizzy and detached.
I would wonder to myself, "What happened to the self confident, driven person that I was just 6 months before!?"
Most of the time I hid inside my house, wanting no human contact. If it had been plausible, I would have found a cave, a cabin, a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, just to be alone, unburdened.
Finally, on Monday, I had had enough. I was due for a blood test and I forced myself to get up, make myself presentable (I don't think I had brushed my teeth or my hair in 3 days) and go to the doctor's office. While there, as I was attempting to speak with the nurse, I broke down. Right there, in public. Talk about losing control!
After much discussion with the nurse and then the doctor, we discovered that due to a pharmacy mistake, I have been overdosing myself with synthetic Thyroid hormone. No big deal, right? Wrong! The thing is, all of my hormones are now out of balance. Ladies, you know how it feels when your hormones flucuate, except take that monthly moodiness you have for 1 or 2 days and multiply the feelings by 100. Then imagine you feel (and act) like that everyday.
Oh God! The things I have said, the things I have done. There has been no control in my life, no discipline.
It is a relief to know that there is a definite physical (bio-chemical) reason for the way I feel but it cannot change the past. Right now I still feel pretty bad but at least I know that I will feel better in about 2 to 3 weeks. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am so looking forward to being able to smile again, to being motivated just to be alive again. To enjoy being around people again.
I used to enjoy that, I really did.
posted by Candy at 10:19 PM
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