Self Reflection
I have been meaning to write this post since Friday afternoon. I have thought about how I would begin and how I would phrase certain things, so here goes.
It has occurred to me that I have spent much of my life trying to "prove myself" to those around me. My best guess as to why that is dates back to childhood. My father was a tyrant in our home, what some professionals term a "rage-aholic". He dealt with everything through anger and violent temper. One of the things he was very consistent about was in telling my siblings and I just how "useless" we were, that we could do nothing right and "Damn us to Hell, anyway!" (favorite phrase there). I don't think there was ever a day when I was in my father's presence that I didn't have something along those lines said to me.
My father died when I was 14, the day before his 50th birthday. At a time when my mother could have tried to heal the damage he had caused, she instead, took the opportunity to ignore the 2 children still living at home. My oldest brother, Sandi, is mentally handicapped. He is fairly intelligent, but has some physical deficit's and extreme Obsessive/compulsive disorder. He doesn't handle any change well at all (imagine Monk from the show, without the intellect). My mother embarked on a 3 years of affairs with several married men. Understand, we lived in a town of 1500 people, word gets around. I was just expected to "do whatever was necessary" which included taking charge of my brother, a task I was ill prepared to do and resentful of. We had family in the area. I don't know if they were fully aware of the situation in our house or if they cared. I was left to fend for myself, so I did.
What strength I had that allowed me to live through those years and not end up a drug addict, drunk, prostitute or worse, I do not understand. Somehow, I got through, not gracefully, but I survived, and went to college and made a different life for myself.
But the scaring on my soul remains. The all encompassing self doubt that whispers in the back of my mind. Nothing is ever, ever good enough. I can find fault in any situation and mostly with myself. Am I worthy, am I useful. AM I GOOD ENOUGH!
Because of this tendency, I am very easily trapped into certain situations. I always want to try to "fix" things for people. I want to be the "go to person". Perhaps it makes me worthy somehow in my mind. I am easily used by certain types of people, but I do have my limits. I'm not blind, and when it becomes apparent that I have been played for a fool, I am vicious. I beat myself up for letting it happen. I repeatedly ask myself, "Why, oh, why did I let myself be a victim again?" Then I have to "prove" that I was the one injured, or right, or truthful, to everyone else.
The following is a statement to any who may read.
I regret that I could not walk away, satisfied with the knowledge that I was always truthful, that I had to try to ram it down others throats.
However,
When others are apologizing for certain things, I ask this, why should I apologize when no one has done so to me?
When you call me up and literally beg me to tell you everything, "I need to know, for the sake of our friendship, tell me." I would have gone to my grave with that one bit of information, but you begged me to tell. And I told you exactly word for word what was said to me by both parties and was labeled poisonous for doing so. You should not have asked questions you weren't fully prepared to hear answered. Sometimes the truth is not pretty. I could have accepted that you took the information in mind but decided that you cared about that person enough to help him. I couldn't accept that I was demonized for answering a direct question with absolute frankness. I was left feeling that our friendship wasn't that important after all.
I will not apologize for speaking out for my children. I tried to speak with other parents on the subject and it became very apparent that there was a denial of responsibility going on. My son was good enough to be around as long as I was footing the bill, but he was only a source of ridicule to "the group" otherwise. I resent that a certain adult was not leader enough to step in and speak to the other kids to be more inclusive, more understanding. I could write it off as immaturity until it was pointed out to him and he still chose to do nothing.
I do regret that in my fury I could not just let things lie and that a close friend bore the brunt of the fall-out stemming from my fit of temper. I thank the Creator everyday that she moved on to a better situation and holds no ill will toward me. I'm thankful that she is exceedingly happy with her new life.
In all honesty, I appreciate that some try to reach out to me now, but there is still some acknowledgement of certain things that needs to happen from all parties. I know that my handling of the situation lacked a lot when it came to tack and eloquence. I was still trying to change the world, still trying to "prove myself" to everyone. Because I do believe in personal responsibility, I will acknowledge that as a character fault in myself.
Please don't try to re-establish communication with me unless there truly is going to be an acknowledgement of guilt from ALL parties. Otherwise, just leave me alone. Because of my background, my personal pain tends to equal my personal rage. We've all had enough negativity. Regardless, there is no going back.
I felt I had to write this so that I could acknowledge my part, my faults. In order to find a solution to a problem, you must first acknowledge that you have one.
I have one.
Enough said.
I
It has occurred to me that I have spent much of my life trying to "prove myself" to those around me. My best guess as to why that is dates back to childhood. My father was a tyrant in our home, what some professionals term a "rage-aholic". He dealt with everything through anger and violent temper. One of the things he was very consistent about was in telling my siblings and I just how "useless" we were, that we could do nothing right and "Damn us to Hell, anyway!" (favorite phrase there). I don't think there was ever a day when I was in my father's presence that I didn't have something along those lines said to me.
My father died when I was 14, the day before his 50th birthday. At a time when my mother could have tried to heal the damage he had caused, she instead, took the opportunity to ignore the 2 children still living at home. My oldest brother, Sandi, is mentally handicapped. He is fairly intelligent, but has some physical deficit's and extreme Obsessive/compulsive disorder. He doesn't handle any change well at all (imagine Monk from the show, without the intellect). My mother embarked on a 3 years of affairs with several married men. Understand, we lived in a town of 1500 people, word gets around. I was just expected to "do whatever was necessary" which included taking charge of my brother, a task I was ill prepared to do and resentful of. We had family in the area. I don't know if they were fully aware of the situation in our house or if they cared. I was left to fend for myself, so I did.
What strength I had that allowed me to live through those years and not end up a drug addict, drunk, prostitute or worse, I do not understand. Somehow, I got through, not gracefully, but I survived, and went to college and made a different life for myself.
But the scaring on my soul remains. The all encompassing self doubt that whispers in the back of my mind. Nothing is ever, ever good enough. I can find fault in any situation and mostly with myself. Am I worthy, am I useful. AM I GOOD ENOUGH!
Because of this tendency, I am very easily trapped into certain situations. I always want to try to "fix" things for people. I want to be the "go to person". Perhaps it makes me worthy somehow in my mind. I am easily used by certain types of people, but I do have my limits. I'm not blind, and when it becomes apparent that I have been played for a fool, I am vicious. I beat myself up for letting it happen. I repeatedly ask myself, "Why, oh, why did I let myself be a victim again?" Then I have to "prove" that I was the one injured, or right, or truthful, to everyone else.
The following is a statement to any who may read.
I regret that I could not walk away, satisfied with the knowledge that I was always truthful, that I had to try to ram it down others throats.
However,
When others are apologizing for certain things, I ask this, why should I apologize when no one has done so to me?
When you call me up and literally beg me to tell you everything, "I need to know, for the sake of our friendship, tell me." I would have gone to my grave with that one bit of information, but you begged me to tell. And I told you exactly word for word what was said to me by both parties and was labeled poisonous for doing so. You should not have asked questions you weren't fully prepared to hear answered. Sometimes the truth is not pretty. I could have accepted that you took the information in mind but decided that you cared about that person enough to help him. I couldn't accept that I was demonized for answering a direct question with absolute frankness. I was left feeling that our friendship wasn't that important after all.
I will not apologize for speaking out for my children. I tried to speak with other parents on the subject and it became very apparent that there was a denial of responsibility going on. My son was good enough to be around as long as I was footing the bill, but he was only a source of ridicule to "the group" otherwise. I resent that a certain adult was not leader enough to step in and speak to the other kids to be more inclusive, more understanding. I could write it off as immaturity until it was pointed out to him and he still chose to do nothing.
I do regret that in my fury I could not just let things lie and that a close friend bore the brunt of the fall-out stemming from my fit of temper. I thank the Creator everyday that she moved on to a better situation and holds no ill will toward me. I'm thankful that she is exceedingly happy with her new life.
In all honesty, I appreciate that some try to reach out to me now, but there is still some acknowledgement of certain things that needs to happen from all parties. I know that my handling of the situation lacked a lot when it came to tack and eloquence. I was still trying to change the world, still trying to "prove myself" to everyone. Because I do believe in personal responsibility, I will acknowledge that as a character fault in myself.
Please don't try to re-establish communication with me unless there truly is going to be an acknowledgement of guilt from ALL parties. Otherwise, just leave me alone. Because of my background, my personal pain tends to equal my personal rage. We've all had enough negativity. Regardless, there is no going back.
I felt I had to write this so that I could acknowledge my part, my faults. In order to find a solution to a problem, you must first acknowledge that you have one.
I have one.
Enough said.
I
posted by Candy at 11:41 PM
1 Comments:
Just a note to say, I am proud of you! and I do think that you are WORTHY!
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